A lot of attention is given to gender parity for TAs and experts, but at the assistant level it is neglected. Of course, there are more women for a variety of reasons, but the disparity is that any men who enter the FGIII function group don’t stay there for long. They quickly move upwards to higher positions. They don’t belong there. Perhaps it’s because when you join as an assistant, there’s a level of camaraderie that’s expected from women in the same category that’s not required from women at senior levels (to the same degree at least) or from men at any level. If you don’t subscribe to this groupthink, all together modus operandi, you will suffer for it. No room for individualism here because it is the antithesis of teamwork.

In higher roles (e.g., expert positions), being independent is tolerated, and embraced even, but as an assistant, you must conform. Remaining silent and hiding thinking can at times receive more credit than those who express themselves and are then deemed disloyal to the pack. Organising gifts, helping others, and complying with expectations are, of course, positive attributes, but they are often some of the only attributes which get recognised, reinforcing the gender stereotype of the grade and professional pigeon-holing. Being outspoken is a form of self-sabotage although if someone more senior repeats your same views they could become insightful.

Fortunately, after 10 years I managed to achieve a FGIV level within the same organisation via external recruitment and (as I learnt through the grapevine) an anonymously marked test placing me on the reserve list. Why should this matter? Because an internal candidate going through external selection is usually the least desired recruit, otherwise it could have been done internally. Or, if it’s the test that makes the difference for selection then there was no one routing for this candidate in the interview, and no sponsor pushing internally, or none worth their weight.

There is even a bad practice of not informing internal candidates of the outcome of their interviews. You receive no feedback on what went wrong or how to improve for the future. No acknowledgement that you even tried and were offering to do more.  Skills and knowledge developed in-house are the least appreciated. Anyone from anywhere else is surely more capable or deserving.

And still, loyalty, growth, and trust are some of the most frequently cited corporate values but sadly they don’t seem to work both ways. The satisfaction from my achievement overrode my disappointment in the organisation. I had become a warrior.

Although, even after making that step up to FGIV a lot of effort is required to change how you are perceived, and some people’s minds never change, and they will consistently seek to downgrade you one way or another. I used to seek institutional validation, but it never came although thankfully I have received it on a human colleague-to-colleague level and from external counterparts.

Indeed, I have found there is an inverse relationship between how we are valued externally and internally. If anything, the more I sought to express myself and show what I could do, the more I felt resented. The prize comes from being great within your box, from conforming. That comes easier for some compared to others. There is a strong group dynamic—you either belong, or you don’t. If you think for yourself and challenge the status quo you are seen as a threat although there are some rewards. You will most probably form good friendships with other independent thinkers across your institution working in any area!

Looking back, I once believed my time to realise myself professionally would come, but there is little to achieve in an agency dominated by closed groups (oldcomers, TAs, etc.). Now, I no longer see opportunities for advancement here but perhaps elsewhere. Retirement has entered the horizon, and I see it as a chance to achieve what I had hoped for in my career by doing something else. Satisfaction comes in different ways; in writing an article like this for instance or advising junior colleagues that remind me of myself, in keeping abreast of developments in my professional area. In those moments I recognise my seniority exists in more ways than having gone up the ladder. To have weathered the storm. To have managed to preserve my integrity, to have kept my job and my career, however humble. To have dreams for the future.

“It is never too late to become what you might have been.”

(Quote attributed to George Eliot, sometimes misattributed to Barnett.)